I am a horrible writer. At least, I feel that way sometimes.
I should be writing books and stories. I should be coming up with new characters and ideas. I should be working on marketing and selling my books. I should be working on moving this business, dream, and career forward so I have more to show for my efforts.
Alas though I am not.
I sit in front of my laptop looking at a WIP (work in progress), a blog post, a freelance article I want to try and sell or even that cocky-ass blank white screen. I wait for my fingers to move and for my brain to start working. I wait for something, anything to come so I can get more words down than just ideas I’ve thought about while I’m handling the other parts of my life. I’m in this….fog that began with frustration and I can’t seem to get out of it.
It’s all just so much. It’s so much on top of my already so much. I try and control my thoughts to focus on one thing but it doesn’t last long and my mind gravitates towards one or more of the other things on my to-do list. I can feel the weight of it all on my shoulders, in my heart, and on my mind.
I love writing but it’s getting hard to talk about now and even harder to think about. There are so many things that I must do but I don’t know what to do first or what things I can do simultaneously for the sake of efficiency. I don’t have enough time (or enough time that would make me happy) for even the simplest of things; like just writing. I don’t have the money to do the things I need to do to make things progress businesswise and free only gets you so far. I have a list of all the things I should pay attention to, work on, books to read and articles to pour. But, even writing this was hard, like forcing thoughts into something meaningful is ever easy.
Last year I kept saying, “next year will be the year. Next year things will start to happen.” The funny thing is that I said the same thing the year before that. It’s June already and short of actual writing, I am already feeling 2017 defeating me. This year started off exciting with a new book launch and plans. Oh man, I had plans, grand plans, great big beautiful plans. Then slowly one bad thing after another happened and my plans started getting eroded. I began crossing things off my list not because I accomplished them but because I could not. I tried sticking with the things I knew I could do or at least thought I could within reason and reality and even some of those got crossed off.
I think about that old dust bowl mantra from the 1930’s, “If it rains…”
So, for now, “In 2018 things will start to happen.”
Next year will be better.