A bittersweet Christmas wish

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I’d love to sit here and say I am whole, that I am 100% happy and things are perfect but I just can’t. I love this time of year, Christmas time, but it’s difficult no matter how hard I try…. there is something missing and has been. I have an amazing family, a son who makes me smile all the time and a fiancé that loves me so much I don’t know how I deserve it. I am so proud of my little family and everything we have gone through, how hard we fight to improve our lives and that we find a little family time even though our schedules are crazy.

But I miss my dog, Harley

I don’t talk about her out loud very much anymore, but I think of her every day. Sometimes, at night, when I’m falling asleep I still see her laying there next to me stretched out waiting for a belly rub and staring at me with her big brown eyes. I think back on all the Christmas’s we spent together she was always the best part of so many of those. Three years ago was our last Christmas together and it’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen her. Somedays I don’t know or understand how I survived saying goodbye to her and being without her.

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People…friends have tried to reach out to the…woman…who has her. Over the last few years, some have asked her if I could see her, have her back and one even offered money for Harley without me knowing about it just so we could be together. Nothing has worked. I know why this woman keeps Harley. I know why Kathy hasn’t let me have my dog back or even see her and it’s only to hurt me. There is no other reason. It was only supposed to be temporary until I got back on my feet, but it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. This is what happens would you allow the worst person ever into your life.

It’s been so long I wonder, would she (Harley) even know me; would she even remember me? Would that connection only her and I had still be there?  She’s 14 years old now and who knows how much time she has left. Regardless of how long it’s been and where she lives, she is and always will be my baby girl. She will always be part of my family. This year I could not help wandering through the pet stores and pet departments while looking at the stuff for dogs and asking myself what she would like. Doing that during first Christmas without Harley wasn’t even possible.

I am excited about Christmas with my son and Stacey, but that little empty spot is still there in my heart. I wish Harley was here to open presents and eat special treats with us. I wish she was here to enjoy Christmas morning with us as a family. Jax could probably use an extra paw with the wrapping paper.

Every year most people get asked what they want for Christmas. Kids write their happy and hopeful letters to Santa. There is only one thing I really want for me and it’s the one thing that I know will never happen no matter how good I am. Not even Santa can make this wish come true.

Merry Christmas baby girl

 

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