This week I opened my trunk, moved some stuff around and then saw that pushed up, way inside inside was your food dish. It was the white one, the chewed up one, the one we used camping, on trips up north and wherever we lived. I think you had it since 2007. I didn’t even know it was in there. It made me miss you that much more. I got in the trunk to put Jax’s stroller in so we could go to the park for a walk when I noticed it.
While we walked at the park we passed an old springer spaniel that seemed indifferent to us. Of course I tried petting it but he was content on smelling and doing his own thing not feeling the need to bother with a stranger. Jax hasn’t had much experience with dogs yet which is something I never wanted to happen with my son. In my mind imaginary situations played out in my head as we walked. How different things would be if circumstances were otherwise.
It’s been hard to write you. Not because I didn’t want to but how many ways can I tell you and the world that I miss you after 2 years and 3 months? Especially when I know it won’t change. Even dad wishes you were still around. Mom asks if I’ve seen you then hears in my tone that it’s still a hard subject and feels bad. Stacey hung your bandanna on the wall in our room with our special things so I could see it. It’s the pink one with skulls. I guess in the knot there was even a fair amount of your hair. I joked with Stacey that I am going to have a clone made but then it wouldn’t really be you would it?
Jax is learning to walk already, slowing moving his way around furniture in the living room. Pretty soon he’s gonna be walking all by himself. Not bad considering he’s just 8 months old. He makes me smile…even on the bad days. It’s hard for me not to imagine you and him together though. Imagining and wondering how he would be with you while knowing how great you would be with him. It’s not fair, none of this is and I am so sorry you are missing this life. All this love and this pretty great life I have right now and I can’t not notice that something is missing from it and that something is you. I wish I had more answers. I wish I could do something that wouldn’t end up with me in jail. I wish this part of life, the part without you was just a bad dream. I don’t suppose your dog dish will be taken out of my trunk anytime soon.