I feel like I’m being torn in 4

It’s been awhile since I posted anything. Life has been….busy I suppose to you could say. A wicked combination of arthritis (gout), a toothache and stress are keeping me up late on a night when I have to be up earlier than normal for work (6:00am). Could be the rain and the cool weather despite how much I like it.

I would be lying if I said I am not having a hard time figuring out a balance between being a new father, being a full time college student, a part time job and a relationship. My “professional writing”, the next book has had to take somewhat of a back seat until I get things figured out and who knows how long that will take. I can’t pretend I am not happy about it. It’s probably been 2 weeks since I’ve written more than a few sparse sentences of it.

jax and i

Jax is going through a little stage right now where he wants to constantly be held, which is cute as heck and I love doing it…when I can. The problem is that he only wants Stacey to hold him 90% of the time. I know it’s a phase, I know it could change literally overnight but it’s still hard. I feel like it’s my fault because I don’t get to spend enough time with him. I feel like one of those dads from my dad’s generation or older that were not that involved and let the “woman raise the kids”. Except I don’t want to be one those dads; I want to be involved with Jax as much as I can. Since he is in the phase though Stacey is usually the only one who can calm him down when he is fussy on top of feeding him since she is breast feeding. It’s a huge burden on her and I love her so much for it and I wish there was more that I could do to help her. I wish I could give her a break that she needs and deserves.

Tonight I tried to give Stacey a break and she went out with a friend for dinner. I was alone with Jax for about 2 hours. I had a lot of homework to get done and an absurd deadline and of course he was fussy and wanted to be held for about 75% of that time. I can’t work one handed. My professors don’t care that I have an infant son and neither does GVSU. They want my money and results and this semester needs to be a really good one or it will definitely be my last at Grand Valley State.

I got frustrated, I felt frustrated, Jax knew I was frustrated and made him fussier and I hate that. I wish I could have taken 2 hours away from homework to JUST be a father, where it was just our time. I hope that’s not a pointless dream. But for now I feel like bad dad a little.

College is college but I feel like this semester is more labor intensive than ones in the past. Perhaps it’s because my life is busier and more stressful than it ever has been. Either way it’s harder and I am already finding it difficult to keep up sometimes only 3 weeks in. Too make matters worse I feel like I am not spending enough time with Jax and Stacey. When I could or should be spending time with them in the evening (when not at work or in class) I am sitting in front of a damn computer doing homework, reading or taking a quick nap after work. When I should be sleeping next to Stacey with Jax a few feet away I am starring at a screen until 3 or 4 am and sometimes later. When I am at work (the few days a week I work) I should be day dreaming about spending time with them when I get out. Instead though, I am thinking about the hours of homework ahead of me and wondering how much time I will have for them and I hate it.

The problem is that there is nothing I can do to change it. College is locked in and we can’t afford for me to work less even after Stacey goes back to work unless Running Northwest starts selling like hot cakes which seems unlikely. With the classes I have comes an intense work load which I can’t ignore or sweep under the rug which sometimes I have had to do for the sake of my family.

Stacey is being so supportive and in January will be starting back at college as well but for now I feel like I am missing out on an important time in my sons life. I feel like I am missing out on an important time and aspect of me and Stacey’s relationship. She knows I am doing this to better myself, to make our future better but sometimes I wonder at what cost. I don’t like looking at my son sometimes and wondering if he knows who I am.

Its 3:45am and I have to be to work at 6:45am and be there for 8 hours doing a part of diner work I hate because its more physically demanding than normal. I get to come right home and do homework that has to be posted by tomorrow night. There is a good chance I won’t even sleep until tomorrow night. I’m already worn down because of the stress and I know I am not the only one.


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