The last blog kinda led into this this blog so If you didn’t read that one click HERE
My grandpa, the only grandparent I have left hasn’t been doing very well for the last few weeks. He was 91 and lasted a lot longer than anyone thought he would. My grandma, his wife died about 8 ½ years ago. He was transferred to hospice a few days ago and they informed my mom and aunt he would not have very long. I wanted to go see him, needed too perhaps and was just waiting find out for sure where he was. On Tuesday, just before I was supposed to start my shift at work my mom called me and let me know he had passed away earlier that morning.
As an adult you understand old people, your grandparents or parents will not be around forever. You know their days are winding down. They get sick, get better, get sick again and this time worse and get better and then one day they are gone. You think because of all of that it might be a little easier, that you might be a little more prepared and ready for it. But when it happens you realize you are not as ready as you thought you were. When I heard the news from my mom it felt like I was punched in the face and crotch at the same time that my heart was stopping. I was shocked, sad and hurt. My grandpa was huge part of my life, was there for my sister and I during my parents divorce. I have a thousand good memories that I will never forget.
This week I had planned on going to see him and taking Stacey with me so he could meet her. I had planned on showing him the sonogram of his 2nd great grandchild once he remembered who I was. I had planned on doing this today in fact. And now I can’t. I knew his time was coming and I wanted to give him some good news, something happy to carry with him on his way out of this world. I wanted to be able to do it for me. He was proud of me when I ventured out west to Oregon and all the other places I went, he was proud of me when I went back to college and he was proud when I published my first book which apparently he even had my aunt order for him.
I didn’t think I would ever be a dad; I never planned on it and to some degree fought the notion I would or even wanted to be one. But now I am going to be a dad and I am thrilled about that, thrilled that it is with a woman I love so completely, thrilled that it’s with a woman who deemed me worthy. I wanted to be able to share that with my grandpa so he had one more thing to be proud of me for and also so I could say he knew. And now…that won’t happen.
My sister didn’t get that chance with grandma who passed away a few days before she found out she was pregnant. My niece was able to know grandpa and grow up around him; sadly my kid will not have that chance. A few have said, “He knows already” and he might. I hope that when he passed my grandma was there waiting for him in some way. I will miss him. I will miss knowing that he is there. A lot of the strength and confidence I have in myself came from that man.
Here is a link for my grandpa’s obituary. I wish I could have written it. It would have been far grander but with the obvious grammatical errors which are common in my blog lol.