IF you read through some of the posts on my blog I may have come across as a person who was not a fan of kids. They have always been hit and miss with me. I gave up on the notion of kid/s of my own long ago and accepting that it wasn’t supposed to be and thought It was for the better. I have dated many women over the years and well…mike wasn’t always careful. The fact that there hasn’t been any little me’s running around is both a miracle and sheer luck. I thank my lucky stars babies didn’t happen with the women I’ve dated or been married to (just one) before now. That apparently normal life; that one of a good marriage, kids, that house and Harley has been elusive to me for many reasons and perhaps nothing more than just choice. I just grew to accept the fact it wasn’t’t meant to be and have been really quite ok with that. I accepted my path and geared my life towards and down that path. There has always been some amount of trepidation when it comes to the women I have dated in the past and whether or not it, they and us would last. Some were better than others, some were horrible, but many of them, for reasons I can’t really recall now I had misgivings about. Perhaps it was myself that I had misgivings about as well. And then Stacey came along. She is the women who changed my life in more ways than I can say. Ironic since I’ve known her for years now. Being with her is like…sorry for sounding mushy but magic. It’s been literally everything I’ve hoped for but stopped believing I would ever find. I honestly cannot wait to see the life we have together…its exciting. It’s even better to finally be happy again. Every day she makes this old, worn out and beaten up heart of mine feel young again and feel closer to whole again.
There are so many weird little parallels that I am seeing now that I am with Stacey. The similarities between her and me, our families, our goals, dreams and mutual love of cheese and Chinese food are weird to think about. As Tom Hanks said in my favorite movie Sleepless in Seattle “When you add them all up it meant we were supposed to be together”. I wrote a book, a romance story called Running Northwest if you didn’t know. It is about fate weaving its way into the life of 3 people. And now fate has weaved its way into mine. Nothing was forced, coerced or cajoled, everything just…happened and maybe that’s why being with Stacey has been so wonderful. And now other miraculous things are happening. I was waiting until the holidays when my mom was here to talk about this publically. Plus we all know I have a sad crazy stalker. I tried my best to keep it under wraps with the exception of a few people so my mom wasn’t the last to know. She lives in Florida and already misses out on a lot of what goes on in my life. On thanksgiving Stacey and I found out we are going to have a baby. I’ve never really believed I would be a good dad despite others telling me I would. Sometimes I come across as selfish, tunnel visioned and a bit of an ass. I am sure these traits of mine will be watered down once the baby comes….they probably have to right? I didn’t realize how happy I would be at the idea of being a dad until I found out I was going to be one. Yes, I am nervous. Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am super happy. Yes, I have every intention of doing and finishing all the things I am already doing like school and writing. Every time I look at Stacey I realize just how fucking lucky I am and realize how much I want to make her happy. The past few days have been a little scary when it comes to the baby. Some complications arose but things look like they are going to be ok. We were able to get our first sonograms done and let me tell you that is an experience that I cannot fully explain as far as how it made me feel. Aside from the fact I felt like I was looking at one of those ink blot tests (“that’s a head…no that’s not a head…what is that a chicken”) I was able to see Stacey’s reaction to seeing our baby growing in her. It’s something I will likely never forget and seeing it made me love her even more. I could describe it…maybe… but I think that’s something for just me and her, something only we should share. In this world of sharing and social media I am balls deep in some thing’s still deserve to be kept personal between 2 people. I was already excited about being a dad since we found and after the panic and drama that ensued but seeing that Mexican “jumping bean” (as the tech put it) bounce around was an amazing thing…it felt right.
We have no idea whether its a boy a girl yet and YES we want to know. I got back and forth on what I would like more. For right now its nick name is TOAST. I don’t know really why or how this came about. Other than that it was something Stacey and her friend Lauren chose. I have become accustomed to calling it toast for now and do so with a great amount of affection. My parents are thrilled and excited I am finally having a baby since they didn’t think it would ever happen. They are almost as thrilled that it is with Stacey since they have come to adore this beautiful and quirky girlfriend of mine rather quickly and thinks she is the best thing to ever happen to me. Before we knew about toast my dad asked, “Don’t be stupid, could you keep this around I like her the best”. LOL pops. I know I will fuck up sometimes, I know I will say the wrong things more often than I should, I know I won’t always do the right thing because I’m still learning what the right thing to do is with a baby and as a father. I know I will make Stacey want to pull her hair out sometimes. But I love her and I already love this baby of ours that I haven’t even met yet. So now, I am attempting to do the things I never thought I would be doing, thinking about things I had stopped thinking about. Now, I have even more of a reason to accomplish all these goals I made because NOW I have 2 other people to accomplish them for. I am sure I will be writing more blogs on this subject as time goes on so feel free to check back. I am balls deep in baby books but if any first time dads are reading this and have some inside information you wouldn’t mind passing along I would be grateful.