Letter to Harley- 1 year

 

Me and you in Cannon Beach Oregon july 2002
Me and you in Cannon Beach Oregon July 2002

 

Harley,

A year ago today, I was spending the day with you. We were taking what ended up being our last walk together. It was the last day we were able to see each other the last day we were allowed to. I think about that day and all of our days together over our 12 years all the time. I think about you every day. I made a mistake, a big mistake having you live where are forced to now. If I could take it back…if I could make it better (and not go to jail) I would in a heartbeat.

After we said goodbye it wasn’t easy for me; life without you. Things were difficult for a long time and felt impossible to deal with. I am surrounded with better people in my life now than what I was for some of the last 4 years. The people who sucked the life out of me, sucked my spirit out are gone and nearly forgotten. A year ago I didn’t think I would make it this long without you. I didn’t know how. I have very slowly figured it out even though it’s still not easy. Life cannot be easy living with that waste of human DNA and I am sorry for that.

You should be with me, you should be with Stacey and I and the rest of your family especially the new parts. Words cannot explain the regret I have…this little empty feeling and space inside of me. For a long time it was a struggle to just to get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other. My mind and heart went to some pretty scary places where it wasn’t easy to come back from. Its still hard, it still takes effort some days. You were always there for me when life was hard. The hope I once had for our situation has slowly been eroded by the waves of reality.

Kc is getting big and says hi and even grandpa misses you. Occasionally he asks when I’ll be able to see you even though he knows the answer. It’s his way letting me know he cares and that he is sorry as well. Time will tell. This next year is going to be full of big changes for me and my life. Full of things I wish you could be there for, exciting things that I know you would like to be a part of. I imagine it is hard being around that much hate and bitterness all the time…I know it was for me. I should have never put either of us through that…we were better off alone. We were better off before I got us stuck in that black hole for 3 years.  I used to be smarter than that. I should have been smarter than that I had eyes and I knew the end game. I hope you are keeping an eye on the other 2 dogs. I hung on as long as I could so you and they could be together…I shouldn’t have done that. The fact that you like them makes this situation a little easier.

The other day I was thinking about that time in glacier national park when we first moved out to Oregon  almost 12 years ago when Kenny was with us. You were just a pup then; almost 7 months old and it was our first big trip together. We stopped at that waterfall on the side of the road that was stuck up on the side of a mountain. I remember how much fun you had climbing all over it. Someday I will find those pictures.  I will miss our roads trips, going places together especially up north and the UP. That was our place and no one else’s.

I love you Harley. Others will call you part of their family but you will always be part of mine and a part of my heart. No one can take that away no matter how big of a crazy worthless selfish bitch they are. I know we will never forget each other.

Love Dad.

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