Lately there has been some talk by friends and co-workers and it’s been centered on my personal life. The future of it though and not the past…no one cares about that past anymore. I have been single since last December. And yes I just realized it’s been 10 months, it’s not something I really keep track of. Friends and followers know that my last relationship was somewhat long term; 4 years (if you want to call 4 years long-term. They also know that it didn’t end very well and it wasn’t easy on me. Now people are asking “Mike why aren’t you dating anyone and why aren’t you trying.”
Those are 2 questions without an easy answer for either one. Reflection and self-introspection has been my big thing lately, I’ve been doing a lot of it. Plus doing a bit of watching people and listening, especially to ones who don’t think I am. The easy reason (the cop out reason) for me not dating or even trying is that I just “don’t feel like it” or that “I have no interest in it”. Perhaps though the more honest reason is that…I am afraid to. I’ve heard whispers that my ex is dating someone and has been and if she great. I knew she would move on far quicker than I would since that’s how she does things.
When it comes to me though, I suppose I am little scared. If I just count the actual relationships (not the chases) and one short marriage since graduating high school (1998) I have been in 8 (one was a repeat). 6 of those happened since my divorce in 2006. With the exception of 2 (one being the last try) I was able to move on with life and feel better off after about 2 months. With most of them I felt better off very soon after, I had a better sense of who I am and what I needed. I was sad yes, destroyed no. Destroyed is where I feel now. And for a few of them (the marriage included) I realized rather quickly after that I was better off without them in my life at least in the form of a relationship. Their goals and wishes for life were not close to what mine were and are. In one case I felt completely held back.
The last time this happened it took 2 years for me to get back in the game. I was angry and bitter. But the bitterness and what felt like hate at the time quickly subsided. For the most part most of these women I was eventually able to have great friendships with. Some closer than others and some just became acquaintances. The one thing that got me through all of them was Harley, who is no longer with me. Maybe that is the missing piece that’s making moving on hard or at least considering it.
For 10 months I have been single and haven’t dated and for much of that time I have been dreading the idea of moving on and trying again. Some say I should and some will say I shouldn’t. But for now though I am not dating anyone and I have no reason to think that will change. Someday I will wake up and realize its time and I’m ready but for now…I am not. I suppose I don’t even know what to do next or how to begin when that day comes and I’m kind of ready. I’ve never been real good at dating and probably only have been marginally decent at anything that happens after that.
For now I am just finishing school, working on my writing, spending time with the few trustworthy friends i have and that’s probably enough to keep me moving day to day.
Took a chance