Today is July 2nd and my least favorite day of any month and always will be I think. It’s been 6 months since I have seen my dog Harley. Six months since Harley went and lived with my ex. Things have not changed and I have no idea how Harley is, if she is or where she is and I am sure that is exactly what my ex wants. This is hard for me considering my ex only knew Harley on and off for 4 years and Harley was with me for 12 years.
The other day I went to a park near my old apartment where Harley and I used to go for walks. In the middle of the park is a pond with a walking path going around it. It is the first time I have been there this year…the first time I have been there without Harley. I am having a hard time going to places where Harley and I used to go together parks, woods and beaches. I sat on bench and watched old women walk by with their little toy dogs, parents and kids stroll by and the always-present geese and ducks who live at the part. Harley never had much interest in these turd bombs choosing the random squirrels instead. We liked going here; she liked seeing the other dogs, she enjoyed our nice long walks especially at night or late in the evening, and loved being there with her.
Sunday night I went to a place called Gun Lake camping with sister and niece. The last time I was here I was camping Harley and was with me she liked camping, she liked being out in nature. The campground was filled with people and their dogs and every dog I saw was Harley or at least that was my hope, with every bark my head turned. It was hope that if whoever has her might be there so I could at least say hi and give my baby girl a pet. While we sat, around the fire, memories of that camping trip and others filled my mind and it was hard being there.
My niece who is growing fast asks me about Harley often how she is and when she can see her…I lie to here often. My ex Kathy would say lying comes easy for me but she never did know much about anything much less truth and reality. I do not enjoy lying to my niece, but when she asks me how Harley is doing well….I have no idea what to say. She does not understand that I am forbidden from seeing Harley. She has known Harley her entire 8 years and misses her. Hell even my mom who I thought was not a huge fan of Harley told me on my trip to Florida that she missed hearing KC (my niece) and I talk about Harley and she missed the pictures I would send her when Harley and I would be out one of our adventures.
Last week I was having coffee with my dad who is learning to be open about his thoughts regarding my ex among other things in life. That or dad is getting old and has given up on tact altogether. I did not realize he hated Kat that much and had for some time, I didn’t realize he was embarrassed by her in public because of how she acted and the things she said. He liked her even less than he did my ex-wife which is saying a lot. While I was on vacation, Kathy called my dad and left him voicemail accusing him of driving past her house and then inviting him over to say hi. He called me as soon as he got it and then went off on tirade about it for 20 minutes then saved it until I got home. Hearing her voice made me nothing but angry but dad knowing the women is long gone has no issues saying what he really thinks about her now.
He feels horrible about the situation and what I have been through with Harley and he knows there is nothing anyone can do to really make me better. I thought he did not care but come to find out he does…a lot. He hates seeing me sad. He also misses Harley, apparently, he was more attached to her than what I ever thought or understood. And he realizes how important she is to me and even apologized for saying some things he said in the past. He asked me a surprising question the other day over coffee which was; “do you think Kathy had Harley put to sleep”? I said no….at first, it was the gut reaction because it is something I never considered. Then the way he was looking at me made me think about it more, like it was something he was worried about or wondering about. Truth be told maybe she did. Dad had wondered if she was all there mentally for while and wondered if she might do it just to hurt me that much more. Part of me still doesn’t believe it but I have nothing to show me otherwise so maybe it’s a possibility I have to consider no matter how much I don’t want to think about. I’d like to not hate the women completely since good memories of better times still exist .
I thought that losing Harley was just something that bothered me. I believed it was something that upset only me and a few friends that gave a shit enough to care. I thought it was something I had to deal with on my own. But it’s not, losing Harley didn’t just affect me it affected my whole family because Harley was a part of our family and a part of our families history more than just about any women I’ve dated ever could be. For my niece, KC, Harley was the first dog she had ever known, that first dog that every kid remembers and never really forgets. The last thing dad every wanted was for me to not be able to see her again. Sitting in front of the fire the other night while camping dad said, “Harley would have liked this” and hes right she would have she would have loved being there with us.
So Harley girl I miss you, I think of you every day and everywhere I go, your family misses you.