This is the first in a series of blogs I will be posting about what has been going on me over the last few months as I try to cope with losing my dog Harley and my recent breakup after being in a relationship with someone for 4 years. This isn’t meant as an attack although some may seem otherwise on occasion. I am doing this for cathartic reasons; too work through a very hard time for me. Since I am a writer and am more open about my thoughts when writing, someone who is helping me work through these things thought this would be a good way to go about that.
Three months ago, I had to do something I never thought would ever happen. It was something that even in the darkest parts of my life and past I did not consider as an option. It has been 3 months and 21 days since I have seen my dog Harley. Anyone who knows me knows how much my dog, who was with me for 11 years meant to me. Everyone knows that I would choose her over any human being I have ever met…maybe that makes me a bad person but she was there when no one else was and it’s just how I am made I guess.
Up until now, I have been largely silent about it publicly trying to deal with it in my own way. Knowing full well my ex Kathy is telling people or has told them horrible things and straight up lies about me, and why I did what I did. Only a few people outside of my family have taken the time to actually ask me what happened let alone ask me why. A few…even hinted that it was better for everyone if I just kept my mouth shut so it didn’t cause waves in there social circles. When I was backed into the corner I was in and forced to make the choice I made I had no idea how hard it would hurt. I had no idea how losing Harley sooner than I had planned would hurt and I had no idea how much it would hurt being fucked over by someone I loved. It got worse every day since that day in January even when no one realizes it.
Since I got Harley in November of 2001, the longest we had ever been apart was for 3 weeks. We have been an everyday fixture in each other’s lives since then…until January 2nd of this year.
If you keep up on my blog, you know my living situation changed last summer and at the beginning of the fall semester Harley went and stayed with my ex (Kathy) until I could find a place. At that point, we were on a “break”. Here, I will give just a bit of insight into the end of things with her and me…the back story. She made me sign an agreement, which I did, begrudgingly and followed to the letter. Then after Kathy and I talked a bit as the weeks went on when I would stop and pick up Harley to go for a walk or go to park we decided to try and work things out. I was still incredibly in love with her despite our issues and did actually want to be with her. Then for one reason or another (many actually) things ended, rather abruptly and surprisingly and I was accused of wanting to be with or wanting to date other people among other things…none of which were farther from the truth. I never had an inclination to find, look, or date anyone else but apparently because I have female friends it means I do. People can post all the little nifty sayings with pictures about what is cheating and where it starts all they want. In order too even go down that road, you have too NOT want to be with the person you are with…or even an inclination you might not want to. Even when I was pissed tremendously frustrated and pissed I was never even close to that road.
This whole jealousy thing was always an issue from day 1 and existed before I was even in her life. It spawned from her husband cheating on her for years and she didn’t find out about it until he died..this all happened because she never dealt with those issues. I tried to deal with it as best as I could despite others telling me to walk away and to avoid the headache. I did not walk away because I did NOT want to, not because could not. I know we had issues, I knew Kathy had/has head issues and I know I had/have issues (not ones I was accused of though). Nevertheless, I spent the whole fall trying to figure out how to make her happy, how to fix things…I just had no idea what to do and no idea where to start. Since things had become so bad and everyday was a crapshoot when I saw her on the weekends, my head was spinning and I was stressed about it constantly. It felt like everything I said, did thought or did not think was wrong and pissed her off. There was not anyone else and there still is not. For all the accusations of other women, I am very fucking single right now and that will not be changing. Besides I’m as broken as I can be and who the hell wants that right?