A few weekends ago, I went to Chicago. I needed to get away and clear my mind, find some sort of peace…as much as possible at least. Lately it seems I have lost more than I have gained despite how hard I tried or wanted it to be otherwise. Something some people can believe or not (the idiots will think I’m lying). One thing ended that I did not think would end and didn’t want it to end but its done so i’m working my way forward as best as possible. Then I lost the one thing, only thing (Harley) that has really held me together for 11 years and that is an almost unbearable feeling that I am still learning how to cope with it and I am not doing well. I was stuck between no options and shitty options and for awhile looked at trees on the side of the road while driving wondering which one would do the job…then I got past that.
It was a horrible start to the New Year and a bitched end to the last one. I had many reasons for going to Chicago, none of which are as nefarious as some have suggested. Maybe I needed closure. Maybe I needed good memories. Maybe I needed old ones and new ones and I just needed…to feel a part of something. Oregon my place of complete solitude and happiness is heart breakingly far away from me right now so Chicago was the next option since northern Michigan was being socked by snow and presented its own emotional issues. I felt Chicago was big enough that I might be able to escape in it for a while, get lost in the city. Other options occurred to me….
The hard thing about a breakup is that when you spend a significant amount of time with a person you go many places together. Some are places you used to go to alone or with other people, some places they used to go to alone or with other people; and then you go to these places together and its different. It gives a certain place a new level of enjoyment, another different (not necessarily better) set of memories. Then you have the places that you find together which are new to both of you, shared memories. This might matter more or less depending on the relationship and other factors.
Nevertheless, when you go back to these places alone…you feel buggered and lost. You find yourself looking for someone who is not there, thinking of going to a certain place they liked only to remember you are in fact alone. You walk down the cold streets of downtown Chicago at midnight feeling awkward but calm for some reason I have been through this before, its gets easier I know. Sometimes those ghosts never go away and you just learn to co-exist I think.
The 3 days I was in Chicago I was alone for the most part. A good friend of mine who I have not seen in a while met me at the train station and we hung out for a few hours since he lives in the Windy City. There were a few things in particular I wanted to do while I was there of course. However, I tried to just be easy going about the whole thing, chill about it. I was not there to shop like many people were, and I wasn’t trying to a be a tourist either. I just wanted….I don’t know…just be I guess, just exist with a city that does not know me with people that do not care who I am or who I am not. A city not hell bent on pointing out my flaws, shortcomings and trying to find any way possible to make me look like the liar I am not.
I went to The Field Museum, which was a blast, and Navy Pier. Navy Pier was hard I won’t lie about that. Both are considered “touristy” i guess but I did not feel like one. It was cold and the normally packed Navy Pier that I am used to was a ghost town (outside at least). I went there twice on my first day once during the day with my friend Bergman and once alone at night. I had never been there at night before let alone in the winter; I loved it. I just meandered around in the dark, few people around and I took many many pictures. I sat for a long time at the end just looking back at the lights of the city thinking about life and the ghosts the city had in it. I discovered new parts of the famous Pier though so I did my best to make it my own for this trip, at least new memories.