Its her…

I don’t know if it could have worked or not, I don’t know the future.  I think for a while now I’ve been teetering on the edge of being able to hold things together even in my own head. Trying to find my way back in life, trying to get back to a life I can be proud of which has been absent for a few years until recently. For a long time even when things between us were not good, just her presence in my life, knowing that she was there held me together more than you could know…more than she did.  It’s something I haven’t realized until very recently while I drive around aimlessly night after night or sitting in a booth at a diner drinking coffee till the sun comes up.

When something good happens as it has the last few days for work and writing, the first person I wanted to tell about it and share with was her, she was the only person really. Most know I’m a moody anti-social asshole. Somehow, she did what no one did before and loved me anyways and kept me around. I made it hard for her, nearly impossible some days perhaps just by virtue of being myself. We both made mistakes, crossed lines and advanced when we should have retreated back a little and neither one of us can or should take all the blame for this because that would be a lie.

I do not believe in perfection, I actually do not care much for the idea of it anyways so I’m glad it doesn’t.  I watched the tiger’s game today and they won prince fielder hit 2 homers. The tigers are her favorite team so I imagine she’s pretty happy about that.

I went to the grocery store the other night at 4 am and just walked up and down the aisles in the same order we did when we went grocery shopping together. I just needed to still feel like she was a part of my life in some small way for some reason. I messed up and I know that I did, I did my part it messing things up, I made her cry and I do not like myself very much for that. The little things are the things I miss the most, like how nice she was to my dog, which matters more than she knew since my own family for the most part could care less about her.  When I was writing in the garage with earphones on and she would sneak out and touch my shoulder in one spot that always makes me twitch and her giggle after words. Watching her sleep and her talking to herself in her sleep.  Her obsession with the band Blue October and the spaghetti from Big Boys….i miss cooking for her…

She did this thing when we would go on vacation and make little towers of flat rocks…her dedication to this fascinated me.  But I always like just walking on different beaches with her and pick up stones that looked cool, it was kind of our thing. It hit me last night that I may be doing that alone in the future…not thrilled about it at all. She likes going to the beach and swimming… I hate going to the beach to swim…but I liked going with her even when she did not think I did. I do not know if she actually liked walking on the beach and picking up stones or did it because I liked it…but either way it was a memory unique with her among others and they were some of the best times I remember.

The best part of my day was having her in it, just being in it even for a little while, maybe I should have told her that more so she would have known. Even thought we were both busy a lot of the time and spending quality time together without distractions was few and far in between. But hearing about her crazy day at school or work and watching her face while she spoke made me happy even when she thought I was not paying attention.

I was going through pictures the other day that I took while we were out doing things and found some from when we went hot tubing. We haven’t done that in a while and I wish we did, I know how much she liked it, it was always fun.  She always said that I have issues letting go of the past, letting go of people from the past and now she joined that group because I don’t want to let her go…not that I can’t but I don’t want to. I am having a difficult time imagining life without her, doing things without her and as every day goes by realizing that I don’t want to.

You may ask, “Well dumbass have you called her”?  And the answer would be no. And the reason is because I’m afraid to do it. I do not know what to do too make this better but I find myself wishing I could. I cry from time to time because I miss her, miss seeing her face and smile. This….whatever this is actually has taken me the better part of a week to write because…well its just hard…the reality of life without her has hit me harder than what I expected. I love her because she not perfect, not predictable and frustrating sometimes.

I know what I want for my future but whether she realizes it or not she is the only one I want in it, or try to have in it at least. I want to move back to Oregon, live on the coast, be a writer, and maybe open a small late night coffee shop. I would like her with me. In all realty, id probably settle for spending part of the year in Oregon if she could not or did not want to move there. I would just like to be able to share it with her, tell her about it more than I already have.

I was looking at pictures from one of our trips to Chicago and ran across one when she was sitting on the edge of the river not far from a small river side café we ate at. She looked peaceful and happy, she loves it there. For as much as I love Oregon, she loves Chicago just as much. I loved being there with her, the smile she gets on her face even just walking up and down the busy ass streets I cannot begin to explain, But I liked it, liked seeing it. She made me like Chicago again. 3 years, and I do not want it to be over but it may be over. I never even thought I did but I know some thought that. I get frustrated and annoyed and flighty being here in Michigan for as long as I have and eventually that won’t be the case.

My life or mind hasn’t been particularly awesome for a bit. I’ll admit I haven’t been the most responsible about certain things, sometimes doing things my own way has its downfall. Trying to get my shit together again has been a work in progress. However, even when she frustrated me she made me feel like I could. She made me believe in myself when I had trouble figuring out how to find it on my own. That is how she inspired me…something no one else did or has. Maybe I didn’t do a very good job of doing that for her……

I cant listen to a journey song without breaking down now….

I watched her graduate college, I was so proud of her, she inspired me to go back to college…made me believe I could…made me believe I could succeed again.  It’s because of her I found the peace of mind to be able to finish and publish my first novel Running Northwest.

2 nights ago while I was parked somewhere in middle of nowhere sleeping in the car with Harley and I realized I could do this without her…life. However, I also realized I do not want too…I am done believing that I could be happy without her and her imperfections. I’d rather love her every day in person and be frustrated occasionally than try and do this…life thing…without her.

“I realized one thing, how much I love you and hurts to see to see you crying” –Kid rock

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend, a girl I knew in high school, talking about the old days how I used to be….

I am not him anymore, that mike, that person. I’m colder sometimes, moody and withdrawn yet hopeful and happier I believe the only limits on life are the ones I make for myself. My life has taken a different course than most I know because I made it that way. She knows this, she knows who I am now, the person I am NOW not the one that I was. Not the one I used to be…he’s dead or sleeping but unlikely to return.  Yeah we both have serious issues personally that we have to fix, things from the past we both need to let go of too certain degrees so issues don’t keep coming up and fights happen. I hate arguing with her…we both say dumb thing when we fight and it’s hard to forget about those but I think it would be good if we tried….both of us.

Sometimes she makes me just roll my eyes and others she make me smile just thinking about her…this is the nature of love. Thinking about her is something I do all the time now, literally every few minutes no matter what I’m doing I’ve been keeping track. Yesterday I thought of her 187 times…that’s about 180 times more than any other human. I miss the way her voice sounded when she said “baby girl” to my dog.

“it was like coming home, only to no home I’ve ever known” –Tom Hanks in sleepless in Seattle.

I am sorry i helped fucked things up so bad…

Her name was Kathy, I call her Kat….im quite sure now I will always love her regardless of what happens. my dog misses her and the boys….but i just miss her smile.


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