warped mind…..

First off i want to say i am very much in love with my girlfriend kat(Kathy) but issues persist….most of which have to do with me and myself. When you are in relationships its like 2 worlds colliding and you have to WORK to make it be something and it’s not always easy and some people want to put in the effort and some do not and just walk away like a loser….it happens and it sucks but it is what it is. Now i really hope that this lasts more than words can say….but i wonder because i know me.

I am an isolationist at heart and don’t like people generally, i choose to let ME define who i am as  a person and how my life is. And did not do like many others have when there younger and sadly when there older too and let the people we surround ourselves with define it for us. When i was teenager and even now as an adult I was never big on people’s perception of me, and i never chose to let there misguided or uneducated views or the things they choose to do with there life and time have any affect on me or how i do things or how i live my life.

I was married once and i lied allot to my ex-wife about certain aspect about my life and what i did regarding business how i did it and people i chose to associate myself with professionally and other things having to do with those things. NOW yes i fully understand that lying to her was wrong…i should have never married her and then just gone about doing things the way i did and it would have worked out much better for both of us. BUT i have an iffy and somewhat shady past that very few people who are currently in my life are privy to. My family don’t know much other than what they see,think they knowor choose to pay attention to, certain friends know certain things  but absolutely no one knows the whole entire picture.

Basically if there was an autobiography about my life and everybody i knew was given a copy and they tried to read it they would only be able to read certain chapters and even some not in its entirety. It would be like a document you get from the government under the freedom of information act and you get it and your all fucking excited because you got it and you went through all this bullshit just to get it and had to wait forever ….but  just to look at it and see that many important parts, names, locations and facts are in many cases blacked out and you can’t read it….and more or less its useless…and your back where you started….buggered

People ask all kinds of questions about me and my past, varying theories and stories are going around as we speak im sure. And i got to the point in my life where i have just chosen to not answer or qualify any of these. In my mind people know too much about me anyways  whether its right or wrong, fact or  a tall tale….and i don’t like it but even more it dont matter to me….well sometimes maybe it does. Maybe yes some of it is my own fault because of the mysterious nature of how i live my life and what little i do or don’t talk about, or the creative genius of me and my brother verb to make the truth vague and just to keep people wondering as far as people here in Michigan are concerned…but even verb is only privy to certain things.

yes, yes, no ,maybe, could be, kinda ,yes , maybe, an awkward menacing glance or two and  the occasional tossing people about… bla bla bla can only be said and done so man times. If i walk into a room with ten people who know who i am… at least 6 of them have a different or slightly different idea of who i am and what i do and have done or what they think….and in all reality NONE of them  have any clue

This seemingly odd behavior and life keeps people away…and me distant from people….is it a good thing? sometimes very much so without a doubt. Is it annoying…more than you know…lots of maintenance has to happen to keep the past in the past and everyone mostly clueless unless i want them to think otherwise. Does it make you lonely….very very often…. but you get used to sadly and ironically ok with it eventually. Im sure most people have no idea what its like to not be able to talk about or have to distort 4 -7 years of your life….or at the VERY LEAST periods of those years. Family and friend oblivious to the actual going ons  of my life even though i may see them everyday has been the norm for me for years.

And if your wondering….yes it sucks allot specially when you have to carry this shit around in your heart and mind and not be totally and usually only partially honest with those you love and the few friends that really do matter…a few might get it but to a large degree most people cant. Specially in the world we live in now where to a large degree things that used to be taboo or just not talked about much sex, many sex partners, types of sex, drugs and addictions,cheating, open marriages, gang affiliations or even pretend ones bla bla bla are freely talked about and discussed, so for someone to be vague and private and not open about there lives are treated as mysterious and odd.

I am sort of lucky tho because the few close friends i have understand me and how i am without expecting that to change….”if mike wants to tell us…he will when is ready, and if that never happens we understand” is the running belief with the few good ones i have. My girlfriend Kat who i love very much knows this too…she is patient….but i wonder and worry if its fair to her because of what i know about her past and things she has had to deal with and go through…am i expecting or hoping for to much leeway from her without saying it or asking for it.

I trust next to know one and don’t let anyone totally in…EVER….even when i want to…desperately want to, this inner self will to keep myself secluded and safe and in the shadows prevails.

So now i wonder about all this, and i look at my past relationships. IS it because its in my nature to be secretive and seclusive that has caused relationships in the past to fail. Is it because to a very large degree i lack certain and important elements of caring and compassion and trust that some women….most women… need and want. To expect to much or to little when it comes to the give and take of openness and honesty. My life….the way i have lived it is odd to say the least… but it has worked and I’m okay with that….but thats just me…will anyone else be okay with that…or should they for that matter. BUT i wonder and worry that due to the innate parts of me that may in fact never change…. that i may in fact be doomed in a way. I am a selfish bastard a lot of the times…like i said it’s who and how i am most times without acting like it openly…some things may change but i think and worry many will not. Part of my past will most likely never be told in its entirety for many reasons…mostly because i will always choose not to and it could cause issues if i do, some things are just better left unsaid and un-talked about and i cant help that i don’t think.

But  i can only expect someone to be only so patient with the fucked up person that i self admittedly am. I would assume because i have been told that i am a great or even occasionally amazing boyfriend…but then it ends…and sometimes with no clue as to why and what went wrong. this fact i have learned to except and deal with for the most part and realize it only pertains to a younger age group that lacks the total maturity to even have a semblance of a grown up relationship is,means and entails. But with all this shit i keep hidden and hold in i wonder if it makes its way out in a way that i don’t realize at the time to the detriment of the relationship i am in at the time.

And even though i am a mature semi successful adult that’s getting into his prime i wonder still if  that to some degree i am no better than the little kids(19-23) i so often rag on because of there immature outlooks on life and relationships….are the things i hold in, don’t tell, wont  share and talk about hardly ever and my general standoffish nature JUST as bad as the little kids that give up and quit before they tried or are okay with dating and fucking people and getting drunk day after day after day….is my own nature just as dangerous and detrimental to a lasting relationship as there immature,irresponsible and idiotic behavior…i wonder.

I don’t trust 100% so i cant really justify or expect someone trusting me 100%…..i wonder if i will EVER be able to trust someone 100%….i cant even imagine what it would feel like to have someone trust ME 100% knowing who and how i am…but i think it would be nice. I realize its give and take and that’s what scares me….not knowing if i will EVER trust someone 100%.

I blow things off and look past little things because of the shit i have been through which i compare things with,at this point in my life and considering what i have done in my past  i am damn lucky to be alive so i don’t see the point stressing about  the things that most people let get to them.

Am i a bad person?…..i suppose the best answer is simply….”Not as bad as i used to be”…..and i suppose that’s something eh?

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